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Stop Apologizing!

Written by Bernie

Bernie Frazier, SPHR is the Founder and President of CAREERCompass, LLC, a speaking and career coaching firm in St. Louis, MO. She also spent almost 25 years recruiting talent to six organizations across four industries and led the talent acquisition function for four of those organizations, including one global team.

As we move closer to the start of Women’s History Month, I want to share a quick story:

About 6-7 years ago, I was engaged in a conversation with a woman who was my senior (in age). As we talked, she said something which prompted me to say, “Oh, I’m sorry.” She immediately pivoted and directed her next comments towards me. She said something like, “Uh uh, don’t say that. Stop apologizing for things you don’t need to apologize for.”

I had to play back our conversation to understand what she meant, but then I got it! We talked about how women are always apologizing for things they shouldn’t and how we need to stop it. From that day forward, I began working on myself to eliminate that phrase unless I needed to actually apologize.

Now, this doesn’t mean that men don’t do this too, but as I’ve focused in on this more over the years, I have noticed women definitely do it more.

Ladies, if this is you – STOP!

While you may think it’s frivolous and makes your response in a situation more appropriate, it doesn’t. I believe (no, this isn’t scientific) it very subtly zaps us of our power because we are assuming part of a burden we don’t need to take on.

If you’re not sure you say “I’m sorry” a lot or not, here are few of the more common instances people use it:

  • Asking questions;
  • Not being available at all times;
  • Your feelings;
  • Vocalizing your needs;
  • Outgrowing a place or situation;
  • Your accomplishments;
  • Doing things that make you happy;
  • Having boundaries;
  • When someone is hurt by someone other than you;
  • When someone dies

Do you recall saying “I’m sorry” in response to any of these?

None of these you need to apologize for, so instead of apologizing, try practicing more appropriate phrases for the situation. For instance, when a person tells me someone has dies, instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” I say, “My condolences,” “That’s terrible,” or “You have my deepest sympathies.” These phrases still allow me to connect and display compassion with the person telling me without me having to apologize for it.

Ladies, it’s time to reclaim your power and impact by only saying, “I’m sorry” when you’ve done something which requires an apology and then apologizing.

Happy Women’s History Month!

Until next time….